Friday, May 28, 2021

unspoken thoughts

Wondering who was this man my uncle 

In addition to his generous giving 

Underneath his many good deeds 

Furthering a measure of social justice 


One-sided conversations with the dead 

Questions not asked remain behind 

Too personal to discuss when I could 

Too late now for things I will never know 


Thinking about him as a playful young boy

Growing up poor in backwoods New Hampshire 

Learning his lessons in a two-room schoolhouse 

No heat in the house except for a kitchen stove 


I read the books I took later from that house 

A glorified series The Boy Allies about fighting in WWI

But what I really want to know is all about 

My uncle’s feelings in relationship with his father


His father who lost his hand in an accident 

Working a sawmill summer job as a teenager 

His father who excelled in appliance sales until the Depression 

Left him trying to survive selling eggs in Lyme Center


His father who devised clever machinery to replace 

What a one-handed chicken farmer could not do 

His father who shot himself dead in despair 

Leaving a ten-year old fatherless boy


I would ask my uncle about the shared similarities 

With the girl he courted and married and adored all his life 

My aunt whose father also killed himself as I learned later

A kind of shameful secret never talked about 


Hidden like the unmentioned ghostly presence in their house 

In a separate room for my aunt's mother who lived with them

Bereft and grieving motionless in endless silent sadness 

Invisible behind the spirited noise of their five children 


It matters to me because I myself lost my mother as a boy 

And I dearly miss all the conversations we never had 

But at my uncle's memorial service I did not speak of it 

Being not the time or place to share such thoughts