Colonial Park Gardens September 8, 2018

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identity adjustment

My employment email account has been suspended

The one that received hundreds of messages every day

Notifications designed to keep me apprised

Leaving me with an adjustment I did not anticipate.

For some time I have been stepping back from engagement

Not responding to almost all system alert warnings

Letting others figure out the problem and solution

But staying informed by being on the cc: list.

Now I have lost access to 18 years of messages

Countless tens of thousands of interactions with others

Preventing me from looking back at the archives

Keeping me from habitually checking for new arrivals.

So this is what full retirement means to begin with

Not just something that you no longer have to do

But also a closure that shuts you out, placing you outside

In a kind of severance from your previous life.

For me the quiet is good as I let go of the commotion

Monitoring only my personal email inbox activity

Keeping up with friends and family

Sometimes reaching out to former colleagues.

When you have advance notice of termination

Giving time to prepare for the transition

And no need of the income from employment

This is the exit anyone might wish for.

Now I can do whatever I want all day every day

Such a privileged life so few are able to have

Something I never expected would happen for me

With really nothing to do but enjoy being alive.

inner space

Looking like some interstellar image from deep space

Seeing the scans of my retinas illuminated on the screen

As my aging eyes are examined for emerging defects

Dilated pupils to let the light shine inside my eyes.

My left eye has a large dark spot in the center

That floats around mostly unseen as I look past it

Because clear vision is a construct of my brain

That has learned to fill in what the eye omits.

It has been that way for 12 years now

Not getting any worse thank goodness

And so far there’s no sign of cataracts

More good news making me a lucky one.

On this day as I sit with eyes wide open

Feeling blind being unable to see inside my head

Needing the optometrist to tell me what is there

The thought of losing my eyesight troubles me.

Being able to see is so important so necessary

I do not want to think about living with failing eyes

Such a long list of essential things I could not do

Contending with a diminished prospect.

But even with my eyes shut I can see some things

Traveling easily through a kind of inner space

As long as my brain keeps functioning

Assembling a vision of the world for me.

Maniticut Sonoma September 2, 2018

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